Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Resentment- I Love You but I Hate You

Disclaimer: This will be deep. I am working on myself. I am fixing my life to get to the life I want! I fucked up in many areas this past couple of years. Excuse my French but it is true. In going through many occurrences, I have found that many of my actions and choices have been out of despair, untouched issues, and things I could not control. All of this being said, I am a true believer that our tests and trials are not for us to dwell on but to share. I've always thought that. I've always known that this life isn't about me; I am here to give of myself to others- in a service and sharing type of way. I believe that our experiences mold us but also grow us like fertilized soil for the soul. I don't want to write these thoughts on Facebook as there are so many cruel folks out there now that won't receive what this is. Yet, it is an assignment for self. Here we go- remember this will be an "ouch". It will be deep. So whosoever reads this- know that it is only real and I'm processing all of this while I put it in words. 

"I love you but I hate you"is kind of harsh to deliver to someone because they won't understand it as you intend. I am hating this person for being oblivious to the fact that he had a responsibility. He had 2 children with my mom, not 1 but 2. I have been numb to the fact that he was absent in my life until recently. True, I bring up the issues I have in general with men not being there for their children but never really harped on the reality that my father was never ever there for me. Know that you don't have to purchase hundreds of dollars worth of stuff to be a father. You don't have to send money. Which he didn't do that either.  You have to try to spend quality time. Share experiences, stories, lessons, and history.  No one can take time spent back. 

 I was blessed to have my grandfather. To this day I believe he was a God send. Yet, he died when I was 16. He taught me how to survive, how to be independent, what a man is to their woman, to his family, to the world. However, he was taken way too soon in my opinion. 

My mom, was strong enough to never say one bad thing about my dad. My grandfather told me that he knew my father would never be around and that I need to make a way to be self -sufficient and not to ever date a man who wants me to take care of him or who was not a provider. God sent me a perfect mate, an ideal husband- and I fucked that up. That story is for another day. This is not to get pity but I'm aware now what my void was. 

No man, can take the place of the mandatory man that is to be there to raise, guide, protector, model, and be a figure for me. Any man can donate sperm and a Y chromosome to make a child. I needed my father. 

I haven't went through life knowingly looking for a father in my boyfriends or husband. Subconsciously, I could have been. I have pictures embedded in my mind when he was with us when we were 1,2,3... Nothing after. I have memories of him saying he would could get me and I sat on the porch until dusk to no avail. So did I dwell? No. But I have found I resent him. 

My loss of him and my grandfather left me at 16 with questions to God, questions about men, no father figure to root me on and tell me I was beautiful. He wasn't even around after I was raped and had to heal in secrecy between my mother and I. He was never at my graduations (I've had many), my wedding, most of all I hate him for leaving my growing younger brother. It was harder for him because I had a strong positive self esteem and self worth that was instilled in me by mom
and grandad. My brother needed him. It was rough on the streets of the west side of Chicago. The peer pressure of gangs and wanting to be hard was real. I was kind of automatically appointed to be a big sister, a mother, and a protector of us all after my grandad left. I hate my dad for not stepping up. It was yesterday that I realized and accepted the fact that I'm harboring all of this. It has indeed caused me to make some poor choices. Though, this is not to blame anyone.

I love him for bringing me into the world to experience this thing called life. I hate him for his absence. My growth from this is to pray for him. To allow him to communicate with me - as I have been cold in my ignoring of his messages or small attempts to even say hi. I will let go of what isn't and be grateful for what is. My brother is alive and well. My mom has moved on and is happy. I completed high school, undergraduate, graduate, and doctorate school of pharmacy. I've been blessed to have had 6 beautiful years of marriage and a smart, funny, beautiful spirited almost 3 year old. I have 5 other siblings who I am trying to build a bond.  I am not too damaged...  I am on my road to becoming whole. I don't want to hate him I want  to love him. I do not want to have questions in my mind of why he did what he did or didn't do. If he knew, it would have not played out this way. I believe God removes people for our own good. Who knows what it would have been. I do know know I am blessed to have had the childhood I did minus a few major traumatic events. Know that we can get through anything. ANYTHING. With prayer, friendship(blessed to have some great ones), strength and perseverance. 

If you have any comments please share. If you want to share with someone, please do. It's all good. 


CurlyHead on September 16, 2014 at 10:07 PM said...

Whew!! Tearing up over here. So glad that you have come to this realization. You will be able to move forward to a certain degree if you are at peace with yourself about this. You cannot justify or even guess the reason why your Dad wasn't there. That is his place and he owes it to you and Mike - to tell you why he walked away from you two and why he wasn't a father to y'all, yet went on to have more children. What part did he play in their lives if any? Did he try to make up for the fact of being fatherless to you? Those are questions he will have to answer. You cannot blame yourself but in retrospect it could have played a minor part in some decisions you made. Who knows? You have come a long way, you didn't give up. You are a role model to numerous people whose lives you touched. He missed out! Imagine how he must feel hearing about all your accolades and not being there to experience them in person, face to face, in the flesh!!! Knowing he played no part in your upbringing and cannot even be praised by you for coming as far as you have! Seems like you are taking steps in the right direction to come to terms about the whole situation. One day you just may be able to tell your father that you in fact love him.

Keep your head up sis! You will be whole again. We all have obstacles from time to time. But like you said above, you keep pushing forward and overcome them!! Love you always!!!!

Rhonda on September 17, 2014 at 1:11 AM said...

Thank Raq. I don't know what's to come. I know I need to free myself of all of this and treat him better for my own good. Thanks for replying! Love you too!

Renae on September 17, 2014 at 8:37 AM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Renae on September 17, 2014 at 8:41 AM said...

Thanks for sharing this post. Seems like you are headed in the right direction to moving forward.

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