Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Resentment- I Love You but I Hate You

Disclaimer: This will be deep. I am working on myself. I am fixing my life to get to the life I want! I fucked up in many areas this past couple of years. Excuse my French but it is true. In going through many occurrences, I have found that many of my actions and choices have been out of despair, untouched issues, and things I could not control. All of this being said, I am a true believer that our tests and trials are not for us to dwell on but to share. I've always thought that. I've always known that this life isn't about me; I am here to give of myself to others- in a service and sharing type of way. I believe that our experiences mold us but also grow us like fertilized soil for the soul. I don't want to write these thoughts on Facebook as there are so many cruel folks out there now that won't receive what this is. Yet, it is an assignment for self. Here we go- remember this will be an "ouch". It will be deep. So whosoever reads this- know that it is only real and I'm processing all of this while I put it in words. 

"I love you but I hate you"is kind of harsh to deliver to someone because they won't understand it as you intend. I am hating this person for being oblivious to the fact that he had a responsibility. He had 2 children with my mom, not 1 but 2. I have been numb to the fact that he was absent in my life until recently. True, I bring up the issues I have in general with men not being there for their children but never really harped on the reality that my father was never ever there for me. Know that you don't have to purchase hundreds of dollars worth of stuff to be a father. You don't have to send money. Which he didn't do that either.  You have to try to spend quality time. Share experiences, stories, lessons, and history.  No one can take time spent back. 



 I was blessed to have my grandfather. To this day I believe he was a God send. Yet, he died when I was 16. He taught me how to survive, how to be independent, what a man is to their woman, to his family, to the world. However, he was taken way too soon in my opinion. 

My mom, was strong enough to never say one bad thing about my dad. My grandfather told me that he knew my father would never be around and that I need to make a way to be self -sufficient and not to ever date a man who wants me to take care of him or who was not a provider. God sent me a perfect mate, an ideal husband- and I fucked that up. That story is for another day. This is not to get pity but I'm aware now what my void was. 

No man, can take the place of the mandatory man that is to be there to raise, guide, protector, model, and be a figure for me. Any man can donate sperm and a Y chromosome to make a child. I needed my father. 

I haven't went through life knowingly looking for a father in my boyfriends or husband. Subconsciously, I could have been. I have pictures embedded in my mind when he was with us when we were 1,2,3... Nothing after. I have memories of him saying he would could get me and I sat on the porch until dusk to no avail. So did I dwell? No. But I have found I resent him. 

My loss of him and my grandfather left me at 16 with questions to God, questions about men, no father figure to root me on and tell me I was beautiful. He wasn't even around after I was raped and had to heal in secrecy between my mother and I. He was never at my graduations (I've had many), my wedding, most of all I hate him for leaving my growing younger brother. It was harder for him because I had a strong positive self esteem and self worth that was instilled in me by mom
and grandad. My brother needed him. It was rough on the streets of the west side of Chicago. The peer pressure of gangs and wanting to be hard was real. I was kind of automatically appointed to be a big sister, a mother, and a protector of us all after my grandad left. I hate my dad for not stepping up. It was yesterday that I realized and accepted the fact that I'm harboring all of this. It has indeed caused me to make some poor choices. Though, this is not to blame anyone.

I love him for bringing me into the world to experience this thing called life. I hate him for his absence. My growth from this is to pray for him. To allow him to communicate with me - as I have been cold in my ignoring of his messages or small attempts to even say hi. I will let go of what isn't and be grateful for what is. My brother is alive and well. My mom has moved on and is happy. I completed high school, undergraduate, graduate, and doctorate school of pharmacy. I've been blessed to have had 6 beautiful years of marriage and a smart, funny, beautiful spirited almost 3 year old. I have 5 other siblings who I am trying to build a bond.  I am not too damaged...  I am on my road to becoming whole. I don't want to hate him I want  to love him. I do not want to have questions in my mind of why he did what he did or didn't do. If he knew, it would have not played out this way. I believe God removes people for our own good. Who knows what it would have been. I do know know I am blessed to have had the childhood I did minus a few major traumatic events. Know that we can get through anything. ANYTHING. With prayer, friendship(blessed to have some great ones), strength and perseverance. 



If you have any comments please share. If you want to share with someone, please do. It's all good. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

#WCW

These celebs are always on point with makeup, hair, and wardrobe I like their persona too! I would post Beyonce' but everyone hearts her and forgets some of the others! Although, she looks cute all of the time to me even when she is not trying!

These ladies are attractive, fearless, real, and are my female crushes, if you will!








Thoughts....



Pictures from Google Images and Bing.

Time Flies...When You are Living Life

So Nadia will be 3 at the end of October. It does not seem like it has been that long but then it does! She is so grown.  I have been in party planning mode! She told me she wanted 5 parties but I told her no so she says, " OK, maybe 3!" So I am doing a big one and then one with her cousins at the house and something like Chucky Cheese or Incredible Pizza. I guess she is spoiled but after all she is going to be 3! So no party next year! (I say that now!) I am trying to take her to DisneyWorld. It is just so hard saving money when there is no extra!

Anyhow, I am amazed at how this time is flying! Just last year, I was saying 2014- I am going to do this, I am going to do that. I have done much of nothing. It has been all I could do to stay focused on maintaining day to day life. My friends and I made our end of the year vision board. I think one of my problems was not having my vision board done at the beginning of the year. But it is hard to have positive visions when everything looks so gloomy. Thank God for friends, huh?! So as time is flying by and life is passing me by, I am proud that I can say being a mother has been a priority for me and all else pales in comparison. I do have personal goals that I must accomplish for myself which in turn will make me even more productive in this journey as a mother, professional, and friend.

So as these days continue to zoom by and hours race under my feet and the minutes vanish into thin air, I am planning and doing and facing personal challenges and goals. Of these, I will list a few:

1. Reduce debt.
2. Reduce body fat.
3. Increase activities.
4. Travel more even if it is road trips.
5. Cook more.
6.  Go after the life I want! I wish I could attend Oprah's tour!

OK, if you are reading this, make a list- work on it. I have a more detailed list with short term goals that will get me to my long term goals. I do best by seeing it on paper, marking it off as I go. Keep a calendar of the days you work out and/or miles you walk or run. Write down everything you spend so you can see what senseless spending can be eliminated. I spoke with a financial planner who told me I could be debt-free ( of all student loans and ALL) in half the time I figured. I am focused and driven. Do what you have to, to get motivated to make your life better no matter where are you in life.

Now to planning my almost 3 year olds party!

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Labor Day Weekend in Pics

 


 

I must say that this past weekend was a start in the right direction for me. One of my besties came to visit from Chicago. We hit up Chuckles Comedy House and laughed at Benji Brown and Lil Duvall (picture below)! That show was hilarious! Funniest cats I have seen in a while.

My brother treated us all to Magic Springs Water and Theme Park in Arkansas. When I say, awesome time. It was great for the kids, teens, and us adults! The kid water splash park was the most exciting for me! That was a day trip full of family fun! No pictures from that day because we left our phones in vehicle so they wouldn't be damaged. Sunday was church then the Universal Soul Circus!If you have not had the pleasure of seeing this show, catch it when it comes to your city. Worth every penny! It was everyone's first time and that was so entertaining!

Monday, my bestie headed home but Nadia and I spent the day in my friend's backyard and pool! It was a cool day! If you follow me on Instagram @loomslidslayers  you saw the immaculate pool!






Her tee is from Children's place last year.
She wanted a fro!
Ready for some pool ac




 
 
 

I did not take too many pics of the circus and of course I did not have my camera. But this was our weekend!

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Back to School Knick Knacks for Toddlers

I know everyone with school age children are running around getting shots, back to school clothes, shoes, and supplies. Nadia is starting at a new learning center- Lindenwood  Christian Academy and I am so excited! She wants a new backpack and lunchbox. While looking for those things, I found some cool little additions for the "extra" mom that likes different little knick knacks! They are useful and cute!




Daycare Labels from Name Bubbles
These are great for lunch boxes, cups, etc! I am
definitely ordering these; You can personalize them by color, font, etc.



Allergy cards from Tiny Prints

Mommy Contact Cards from Tiny Prints



Veggie Tales Hand Sanitizer From Adoremus Books
Quick and handy. hypoallergenic.
I still believe in hand washing but for those many occasions
when you dont have soap and water handy.
Cute bottle too!
 

Crayon Holder on Etsy
I will let you know if I get a chance to make one! 









 
Tell me what you think of my off the wall back to school knick knacks for  toddlers!

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